It’s Back.

 

I thought I had it under control.

• I haven’t showered in a week.
• I’ve been on a cleaning binge. Cleaning out, cleaning up, not sitting still for even a moment.
• I have forgotten to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
• I slept for two hours in the middle of the day, and woke up at 5pm thinking I could keep sleeping through the night.
• During the week, I go to bed at 9 and by 2am I am wide awake.

I thought about this as I drove in on my weekly Saturday night solo grocery shopping trip.

Anxiety.

I didn’t start talking to anyone about my anxiety until I was in college. After I found my faith (that’s a post for another day), I realized I needed some help and I needed an “outsider” (ie: therapist) to help me.  I went for a couple of months, and had reassurance that it was real.

I take medication for it.  I am not ashamed of that.

Lately I have had a lot going on that has been out of my control. I’ve had physical health challenges that don’t have answers, but do come with a lot of pain. I’ve had work challenges that I can’t make better by the snap of a finger. I have mom guilt for not being “present” enough when I get home from a full day in the classroom.

So my anxiety has kicked in. My personal care for myself has spiraled. I forget to take showers, to eat, and focus on trying to fix things around me. I want to be a fixer.

My physical pain is something I’ve been told “is all in my head” by a doctor over 12 years ago, and it haunts me everyday that I am in pain. When new health challenges present themselves, his voice tells me “it’s not real, you’re making it up”.

My mom guilt is my inner mean girl kicking in telling me I’m not good enough for Calvin and Miles. Miles attitude is because I am getting weak (got forbid it might actually be because he’s a 2 year old), that Calvin is getting anxiety and easily panicking because I’ve taught him to be that way….

So last night as I drove in to go grocery shopping. I checked my recent habits. I realized what was happening. I got groceries. I got home. I took a shower, I ate a dinner at 10pm. I talked. I talked to my supportive, encouraging, and loving fella. Who listened. Who offered advice.

This week I’ve set some goals:

• I have an appointment to continue to figure out what’s going on with the pain in my body.
• I’m going to talk to my doctor to see if starting therapy back up might be a good idea to manage my anxiety.
• I will get my meals ready for the week, and set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to eat during the day.
• I will exercise, and if my pain it unbearable that day, I will stretch or take a walk.
• I will talk to someone if it gets bad. Instead of picking up a rag and cleaning, I will talk. As much as I don’t want to, I know it’s what’s best.

This isn’t something to be ashamed of. I know that now. It’s taken years, but I know it now. So if someone you know, is seeming distant, talk to them. Listen to them.

It its you….check your habits. Talk to a loved one, or, talk to a therapist. It will get better. It isn’t an easy fix, it’s always a work in progress. But don’t give up on yourself.

 

 

Transformation Tuesday….yup. I went there

I am not typically one to go for trends. But “Transformation Tuesday” felt important to me today.

I used to hardly have ANY pictures of myself. No offense to my fella, but he wasn’t (isn’t) one to always take pictures of me with the boys. Once in awhile I would get a picture, but for the most part I didn’t ask, and I didn’t encourage, because I was ashamed.

I thought it was physical. I thought it was because of the 110 pounds I had gained from having two babies. From the maternity pants I continued to wear far beyond my post partum days. From the double chin I felt I had in any and every picture taken of me.

I was ashamed of me. The inner me and the outer me. I didn’t see myself as of any value, any importance. So I didn’t try. I didn’t try to be healthy. I didn’t try to see “Me” for who God created me to be. I focused on giving all my energy to others, helping and serving my students and my family.. I would hide behind the camera, snapping memories of my babies and fella together.  It’s always easier to see other people as more important than yourself. .BUT.

*disclaimer* God calls us to love others as we love ourselves (Check out  Mark 12:31)

Crap.

Today I take a LOT of pictures, and truthfully, a LOT of selfies. Here’s why.

I’ve invested (for the past 13 months), and will continue to invest in me. In knowing that I am worthy. It is OK to take pictures of me goofing off with my boys, maybe even pictures pointing out my goofy personality, or showing my progress in taking care of my body.

Some might see it as vain, and you are welcome to that opinion. But my “selfies” demonstrate so much more than the physical change. They reflect  letting go of who I am NOT, and in embracing who I am. Quirks and all. They are memories I am making in a moment, with my family and in my own personal journey of respecting and LOVING this one life I have.

It wont be about 6 pack abs (although I’m not going to complain if they ever make an appearance ;)), It isn’t about getting back to my senior high school physique. My body had 2 bowling ball baby boys via C-section. Did I mention I had gained a total of 110 pounds?!

My body is uniquely and beautifully mine. It tells stories of change, growth, and strength. I’m frickin’ proud of it.

Ps. You should be proud of you too.

Friends, can we stop worrying about what others think of us and start thinking of how we SEE ourselves?

Can we stop judging ourselves to unrealistic expectations and embrace who we are, how we can learn, and where we can grow?

So…here is my Transformation Tuesday.

Physical. Mental. Relational.

It’s a beautiful thing. If you haven’t experienced it, take a step. I’ll be here to cheer you on!

Love and Hugs dear friends.

 

Chill Mama!

I’ve got plenty of things I could be doing…

In the hustle of the week it’s easy to get wrapped up in packing for the next day, trying to catchup on work, cleaning the house, doing laundry..But tonight my 2 year old reminded me with a simple tug on my pant leg… “mama, couch!”

Sit down and take a breath once in awhile. They won’t be young forever, these feet have been busy all day, a little rest is good for the soul, the body, and right now, this mama’s heart.
💙
Thanks kiddo for the reminder

A Shift.

On the Left: Mom of 2, Full time Special Education Teacher, Wife, gym member…

On the right: Mom of 2, Full time Special Ed Teacher, Wife, Work out from home.

The difference in these photos isn’t just
weight. It is discipline, community, accountability, nutrition, and mental health.

It’s realizing that making time to make my health a priority, doesn’t just help me, it helps others. 

I spend more time laughing and finding joy, than being tired, annoyed, and resentful because I did everything for everyone else, and nothing for myself.

The number on the scale doesn’t matter to me. It is the Non Scale Victories that bring me joy.

Here’s what matters to me:
– More energy to play with my two boys.
– Being an example.
– Being comfortable in my own skin.
– Being proud of my physical and (even more challenging) mental accomplishments.
– Filling my cup so that I can help fill others cups.

It didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t, (and still isn’t) easy. I choose to show up, everyday, and do my best. If I fall flat, I try harder the next day. It is progress not perfection.

I became the person on the right when I reached out and asked for help. I was given a community of support, a coach that checked on me, and a wealth of resources that I could utilize on my time, in my home.

I didn’t get to the person on the right by going it alone….

I’m a coach now, and I want to help others see their potential when they stop doubting, and start believing (just as someone did for me 9 months ago).

If you’re curious, you’re struggling, or you want to know more, let me know. I want to help.

“Alone we can do so little, Together we can do so much.”- Helen Keller

 

 

 

 

 

Shoes.

I don’t like to spend money, and if I do, I would rather buy things for others than myself. I can struggle with being kind to myself. I don’t feel deserving of nice or special things.

Today I bought a pair of running shoes. Real running shoes. Not clearance from a generic store, but ones with cushion and support….This is huge for me.

It’s me saying I am working hard, this is one of my hobbies, I need to take care of my body, I deserve a good pair of shoes.

How many times do we feel unworthy? Not good enough? Not worth it? I can tell you easily, I have had one of those thoughts in my head dozens of times a week (sometimes a day)! … everyday can be a struggle sometimes.

Florence and the Machine has a song called Shake it out… one of the lyrics that’s been running through my head the past few days is:

“And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off…..”

I’ve let that mean little shit control way too much of my mindset… so today, I’m dancing (or running 😊) with the devil off my back.

If you struggle with realizing who you are, that you are deserving and worthy… my hope is you too can shake him off and do something to love yourself.